Toilets Of The World Part 3: Cleaning Up

When one travels to the Orient bodily functions become an entirely different experience.

Starting in Singapore and travelling north, my journey allowed me to ease myself in to Eastern ways, taking one change at a time. The first change I encountered was in the method of cleaning up. Western-style toilets are now widespread in many parts of Southeast Asia, but with drainage systems not set up to cope with toilet paper, the locals have come up with an ingenious, commendably hygienic alternative.

In all but the most rustic of facilities (where a cut-off length of hosing does not make an attractive prospect), one finds a pressurised, clasp-trigger hose ensconced next to the throne. Once one is able to gauge the correct angle and pressure required (I must admit that I continued to struggle when required to use my left hand for this purpose) it becomes a perfectly pleasant experience. Indeed, it is far preferable to soothe the ‘fires of incontinence’- as one fellow traveller put it- with a jet of water than to cause further irritation with toilet paper.

That said, there is one major drawback of this system, which would surely preclude any introduction to the West: it leaves one with a wet posterior. This is not a significant problem in tropical climes, where the heat and humidity ensure that one’s bottom does not stay damp (or at least, any damper than the rest of one’s body) for long. But using such a device on a cold winter’s morning in England would leave one moist-cracked for the rest of the day. Call me fastidious, but I do not consider the flannel I found draped over a cistern in a Malaysian guesthouse a viable solution to the problem.

Toilets Of The World 2: Long Way Down

New Zealand is notable for its aptly-named ‘long drop’ toilets. Found mainly on New Zealand’s vast network of ‘tramping’ trails (hiking to you or I), these basic pit toilets afford the user the strangely satisfying sensation of seemingly defecating into the abyss, and of course remove any anxiety about splash-back.

The longest drop I encountered on my travels was in excess of 100ft- Treehouse 5, Bokeo Nature Reserve, Laos (above). Add a spectacular view of the rainforest canopy and a convenient branch to lean against, and you’ve got a worthy contender for anyone’s Top Ten Toilets.

Next time, this shit gets real as I reach Southeast Asia.

Toilets of the World 1

In 2007 I undertook a ten-month round-the-world trip, taking in the USA, New Zealand, Southeast Asia and China. Frank and at times downright puerile, the following is a subjective survey of the toilets I encountered along the way and the experiences I had on them.

Part I: USAid

As one would expect from a Western country, the differences between British and American toilets are subtle. The low-slung urinals are perhaps slightly more stylish than their European counterparts, but the only appreciable functional difference is in the toilet seats. The ‘horseshoe’ design- with the front section of the oval missing- is a truly inspired touch. Vertical urination sans seat-lifting no longer necessitates leaning over the bowl like a dancer in a Michael Jackson video in order to avoid splashing. Not only does this avoid the health risks inherent in lifting the seat in public toilets, it must surely neutralise one of the most bitterly contested battlegrounds in the gender war- the seat-up-or-down debate. A great boon for domestic harmony.*

Next week, shitting from a great height in New Zealand!

*Since writing this report, I have been informed that toilet seats in the UK used to have the same ingenious design. I can only assume that Margaret Thatcher phased them out as part of her (highly successful) bid to create deep divisions within British society.